Life at sea

[Alan Rudd]

My brother forwarded this to me. It is from my mom and dads next door neighbor, a pretty cool guy.

I almost joined the Navy in 1969. Is this what it was really like?



HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month.

Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and
one-half feet off the deck.

When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you
soap down.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water
during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on high.

Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a
day for proper noise level.

Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric
garden tools, inspect them and then reassemble them.
Do this every week with your lawnmower.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure
the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh
at him when he curses you.

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you
go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the
next two years.

Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6
a.m. while she reads it to you.

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to
you.

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to
their battle stations.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and just ask for hot dogs.

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks.
Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they
respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove
manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again
"Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,
sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make
sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week.
Store up garbage in your bathtub.

Invite at least 500 people you don't really like to come and live
with you for about 6 months.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and lie under it to read books.

Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.

Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going
anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".

Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you
to leave your house before 3 PM.

Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East , and call it "world travel".

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney
World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the
trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can
leave the house.

Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your
neighbors have gone to bed.

Who's ready to go back to sea?


Alan

[BTPost]

The don't call them "Swabie's" for nothing......

[Preston Wells]

Alan my son is a navigator (BM3) in the US Coast Guard. He's assigned to a 378' High Endurance Cutter. This was the view he had looking over the bow coming out of the Sea of Japan last year.

[Billy J Shafer]

You forgot one. When you raise your bed(rack) to the ceiling (overhead). Install a 1200 PSI steam line above it. So you can stay nice and warm all year long. Also remove the knob from the tv channel control so you can only watch one channel and turn up the volume all the way.

[Jim Conte]

My family knows that " Rig For Dive " means ' close the windows, there is a storm coming '.

We Light Off the barbecue grill.

Our first camping trip of the season is a Shakedown Cruise.

We do a trailer Brake Test as we're rolling out the driveway ( RR not Navy ).

Used to frequent a fine establishment named Darby's in San Diego, about two blocks from the submarine base, that had a diving alarm wired in place of the telephone bell.

AOOOGA ! AOOOGA ! Made us feel " At Home ' .

[KGC1615]

Originally Posted by Preston Wells

Alan my son is a navigator (BM3) in the US Coast Guard. He's assigned to a 378' High Endurance Cutter. This was the view he had looking over the bow coming out of the Sea of Japan last year.

I don't know if this is worse or not. At least your Son is on the move. I'm kinda stuck here when this stuff moves in.
Tom

[Bill Geyer]

Loosen the sheet rock over your bed, then have someone do low flyovers at supersonic speed to simulate the guns firing so the fiberglass insulation can get in your bed.
This is how it looked after the typhoon. It washed a lot of crap over the side we didn't have to paint any more